it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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