can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I think I just sharted jello shots
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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