I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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