Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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