Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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