My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
