Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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