I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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