I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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