The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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