I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
