lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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