3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
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