Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
