Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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