I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
