if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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