you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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