you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
