I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
