dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
