I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
