All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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