I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize