We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
