They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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