I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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