Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
