Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
