Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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