I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
