Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
