who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
