...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
