You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Floor bacon is actually really good
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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