Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize