Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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