Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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