I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
