its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
