so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Randomize
