I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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