no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
