I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
you inspire me to be a worse person
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
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