Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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