What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
This is my gift to your gina
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
