Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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