so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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