If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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