You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
