so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i just sent this text using only my big toe
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
