Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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