your parents love me but you hate me
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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