turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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