I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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