I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
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