he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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