Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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