Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
