Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
