dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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