I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize