i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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